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• Select a good partner when you're ready

"Ironically, despite their aversion to neediness, avoidants tend to be the neediest of all types. This paradox is often not appreciated by either them or their partners. Avoidants confuse neglect with independence, because their sense of independence grew out of familial pressure to be self-reliant, and aren't in touch with what are actually feelings of abandonment. Unfortunately, avoidants who have remained unaware of these kinds of abandonment or dependency issues usually cannot resolve them on their own. They require the help of another person to reorientate and reprogram them away from abandonment to enjoy receiving care, and to help them move forward in their life from a static place of fear into mature, rewarding life stages. The most effective person for the job is a romantic partner who can be understanding of the denied, shame-bound desires of the avoidant. If you are avoidant, much as you may dread some aspects of a committed long-term relationship with one person, your salvation from an existentially alone lifestyle will probably come from a secure-functioning relationship in which your worst fears are not realised. For this to happen, however, you may have to allow someone else to be your hero."

- Stan Tatkin, Wired for Dating

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“Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions.” 

– Esther Perel

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If we don't think well of ourselves, we can avoid close relationships or seek out those who match our expectations with negative behaviour. These situations confirm our self-beliefs but will never resolve our existential angst. Salvation will not come from always running and hiding from our discomfort. It can be a hard thing to accept that our predicament comes not from failing to meet the right partner, but from an unconscious fear of putting in work and achieving greater closeness with the people we have met. Be mindful that, particularly if you are feeling bad about your avoidant impulses (for example in your last relationship) you may in fact seek out neglectful situations to confirm your self-belief. We will reject those who love and support us until our self-esteem is healthy enough it believe we deserve it.

Ultimately, the way we will get over our fears in relationships is not by suppressing them - this can only last so long. We will get over our fears by being willing to be vulnerable enough to show our true selves, and working with someone supportive to whom we feel safe to finally be honest about these fears - someone who we can then learn to support in return. As much as your natural instinct may be to hide the aspects of yourself and your avoidance from a new partner, being honest about them will let them truly know you, fairly allows them the freedom to decide if it is right for them, and will help you build real safety together. Spend enough time in a secure relationship working on developing your own secure habits, and you can become secure!

For us avoidants, the idea of being responsible for someone else’s needs can feel overwhelming. We can be attracted to people who might appear less demanding because we feel less at risk of being overwhelmed by their needs. This would mean that in theory we never need to look into and fix those internal issues, so can stay comfortable. But everyone has needs – avoidant or anxious partners may just be more likely to suppress than effectively communicate them, so they can come out in less healthy, sustainable ways and without work the relationship can be unsatisfying and unstable for both. The key is not to look for someone who seems not to have or share their needs, but to first develop and practise confidence in expressing our own personal boundaries, wants and needs, and in separating from excessive guilt, so we feel safe we won't be overwhelmed. In reality we are each responsible for our own needs – but we can help each other.

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So when you think you are ready for a relationship, be mindful identifying the qualities you want in a life partner, of who you are choosing and why. Are the characteristics you are looking for in a partner conducive to the long-term success of a relationship, if that is what you truly want? Life is easier if we don't have radically different needs for closeness, space or affection - and where we do differ are both willing to sympathise with each other and make efforts to meet in the middle. But while you want someone who is not not going to need miles more closeness than you can provide (and bearing in mind that a bit more closeness than you are comfortable with will always be necessary to sustain a relationship), try also make a considered choice for the pro-relationship qualities you are looking for in a life-partner that is dominated by expression of your values rather than just your fears around your own avoidant behaviours (which you can work on yourself, potentially supported by a willing partner). That way when your avoidance inevitably kicks in - which it will - you can fall back on reminding yourself of those values to help you work through it. Anticipate that as an avoidant you will ultimately feel resentful towards the characteristics of any close attachment figure. For example, if they are a good communicator you will resent this as you feel put upon. If they are a bad communicator your will resent this as you won't have clear information what to do. Be conscious of where it really comes from and separate this feeling from objective characteristics that will truly safeguard the relationship.

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If you choose a partner with an equal fear of interdependence and emotional openness, for example, then even if you somehow manage to express your needs, resolve difficulties and sustain the relationship together it's possible you will find it difficult to accomplish the partnership life goals and enjoy the fulfilling mutual support you have in mind for a relationship - although, of course, you might have fully accepted that you would prefer not to have that kind of partnership. It all depends what you most want and it's totally ok to preference a partnership with distance if this is what you have accepted you prefer. Unchecked, the qualities that can make your avoidance more comfortable can also be less likely to lead to a supportive, functional partnership in the long term, although awareness of our attachment style may give us the tools to more effectively address difficulties when they do arise. But bear in mind that while seeking this may keep you feeling safer, it also may never encourage you to resolve your existential fears or help you access your buried feelings, and accept fully receiving and learning to give the love and attention you were taught not to believe you deserved. Put simply, it's a way to keep running - to continue to believe we are not enough. The ideal solution is to take ownership for fixing your avoidant tendencies and look for someone with whom you are both able be open about what you need. It's important we feel safe that our needs will be met and believe we can meet those of others. But, again, do you want your choice of partner just to be determined only by the fact that they do not show significant commitment, enthusiasm to interact or emotional attachment to you - by fear - or by more positive, considered reasons that embrace your desires for the qualities in a life partner rather than your fears? ​

It takes exposure to love to resolve these patterns. Even if it feels an uncomfortable, difficult and painful process, we can slowly correct our patterns by allowing for the emotional validation and interest we failed to receive as a child, and learning to show it in return. So if you are serious about resolving your habits, then instead of the quest for autonomy, ideally look for a partner with whom to establish a secure pattern. Someone with secure independence and emotional connectedness (which turn into to interdependence in a couple) is a very different thing to someone who might not lean on you because they are also repressing. If you want to resolve your past patterns, ideally look for someone who can show some sympathy with your space and intimacy needs but can also be clear, direct and honest about their feelings, doesn't keep you guessing, is committed to collaboration, compromise and teamwork in a relationship but will also stand their ground, seeks resolutions and communicates well. It is vital to be able to solve difficulties and move through things together. Someone whom can both express their needs and you can feel safe expressing yours to. These are the qualities that encourage long term success, and with conscious work you can start to mirror ones you may not be used to. Learn to accept and value the importance of emotional openness as a tool that can help you both successfully navigate a relationship, not fear it. Seek consistency, availability, reliability and responsiveness, and don’t mistake butterflies you feel (or the dopamine of intermittent reinforcement) when someone is being hard to read or unavailable for true connection. 

If you are potentially interested in a family, look also for the qualities that could make for an engaged, supportive and self-aware parent, where you could work well as a team. While we may be willing to put up with neglectful, disinterested or overbearing treatment ourselves, we can rebalance our expectations by imagining the stable qualities we'd value showing up for our existing or possible future offspring. If you feel you need more challenge, remember you can look for a partner who challenges you mentally without having a low or disinterested opinion of you or the stability of the relationship itself needing to be challenged, and you can also challenge yourself outside the relationship. A solid relationship with a secure emotional attachment makes you stronger, more confident and more able to reach your full potential.

But do not seek any of these things without being genuinely willing to give it back, and be the best partner you can be. As avoidants our natural instinct is to want the benefits of connection without having to really meet the needs of others - but for a relationship to thrive we must counter this. And we can get a great sense of purpose and satisfaction from being a great partner. To attract and retain stable partnerships, let yourself be more vulnerable and willing to compromise, support and resolve conflicts even when you may not feel like it, to nourish the relationship, to articulate your needs and show up for theirs – getting clarity on what they require from you if needed. Show a lot of willingness to work at things and bear in mind these partners are less likely to put up with deactivating strategies, refusal to compromise/address needs and other avoidant behaviours, so it's important to become self-aware, and able to control these ourselves for a successful relationship. However, be aware of falling into the myth that there is a perfect partner who can solve this for you - success comes not from constantly swapping partners but from committing to be vulnerable, to working on ourselves, and working together on our dynamic as a team. In the end it's just about finding someone who really wants to give it a try together, and committing to doing the same yourself. Don't leave it to your partner to shoulder all the emotional labour of keeping the relationship working, but instead learn to enjoy the feeling of potentially being a great partner yourself!

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• But remember, the best way to find an amazing person is to become an amazing person​

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"Everyone wants to be with the perfect partner, but few people want to be the perfect partner. The vast majority of problems around 'finding someone' are caused by uneven expectations like this. But when you flip this on its head and start taking a little more responsibility in this area of your life - when you start focusing on what kind of life you want and what kind of partner you want to be - you’ll start to see all the flakes and unhealthy options fade into the background. You’ll start making genuine connections with people and make each other’s lives more enjoyable. The best way to find an amazing person is to become an amazing person. Your attitudes generate your behaviour towards others, your behaviours determine who is attracted to you, the people attracted to you determine your relationships." - Mark Manson

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• Share the journey​

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"It is our belief that wounds that occur in intimate relationships can be best mended there. Those who use their primary relationship to free themselves discover a kind of intimacy that would have been difficult to imagine at the start of their journey. When people help each other heal their wounds from childhood​, they experience something we call depth intimacy, in which they have the sense that their souls touch, This happens when both individuals strip away the facades they constructed out of looking good and acting strong, and they experience the vulnerability that ultimately frees the Self. By helping each other heal the wounds from their childhoods, both partners move forward developmentally and each becomes more individuated and psychologically separate. This kind of intimacy is different from pseudo-intimacy, which emphasises happiness and good times or which focuses on rising above differences and conflicts. People caught in the flight from intimacy often bury their problems, pretending that they don't exist, until some small incident triggers the hidden issues and they erupt into a huge conflict"

- The Flight from Intimacy

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Even more relevant than partner choice, it is this honesty, openness and teamwork that will greatly increase your chances of relationship success: if you are able to be vulnerable with your partner about your patterns, the work you are doing, and what you need from them. For example, when a partner understands that a need for space isn't personal and you can articulate needing it when you do, they will be happier to give that space to you. Once they do you will feel much less at risk of being engulfed, more comfortable, safer to return to them of your own accord more quickly and the dynamic able to return more swiftly from a triggered state to natural equilibrium for both of you, short-circuiting the push-pull pattern. We cultivate relationships - they are not given to us. The grass is greener where you water it.

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But remember you don’t need to run before you can walk. Changing patterns that have been embedded since we were young is hard work - this will take time, and that's ok. Understand it’s going to be slow, and it’s okay to go at your own speed - it's actually faster being slow. We may be prompted to change because it has been affecting people we care about, or we feel like we are behind by the standard of our community. But it helps to distance from those pressures and work on ourselves first. If we feel pressured we can end up back into our turtle shell emotionally and not move. The right partner should be willing to wait for us to move at our own pace, if we can treat them well on the way. So don’t put yourself down - however also appreciate that outside of childhood most acceptance is conditional, and that in a mature relationship commitment is (and should be) dependent on treating each other well. We were conditioned to expect an attachment figure to stay as much as we tried to escape them, so do not blame yourself, but do remember that testing this in an adult relationship will not end well!

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• End and reunite healthily

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Of course, just because you're not into someone that doesn't mean it's a problem with your avoidance. There are many things that go into a compatible match.  And within a relationship, if things are not going well then being in a relationship should not be about stoically suffering in silence just because you have recognised avoidant tendencies. Some relationships are just not right for us, no matter how logically we try to think about them, when we cannot meet each other's needs. If you have been open, honest and tried working on things together within the relationship over time but still not been able to meet each other's needs, there is no shame in parting amicably. But out of respect for partners and to avoid trauma wounds, the end of long-term relationships should be conducted in a healthy way - with open, calm discussion about what isn't working and might or might not be fixable, having worked through attempts to remedy together, and with each acknowledging one's own personal responsibility and avoiding blame. If you haven't had a go at fixing things, bear in mind that whatever inhibited you in your last relationships you will take with you to the next.

 “The key to success in a rekindled relationship is growth for one or both partners,” 

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Regarding reuniting with an ex, there is no one-size-fits all, but two people should consider getting back together only if both partners are openly committed to personal growth, and the vulnerability together that requires. In a situation where at the time neither of you perhaps had the tools to move through an issue together, but in growing apart since discovered things about yourselves through which you gain tools to see, communicate and be with each other in a way that is new, fresh and expansive - then this could provide a healthy and exciting foundation for reuniting and the tools for a successful relationship. You already know how each other operates, but can arrive with a new honesty and openness about how to keep things working, and a learned respect for these needs and willingness to work on yourselves.

However, often couples have not done or are not prepared to do this internal work, and so it may instead be the ego at play - wish-fulfilment over unfinished business and a sense of proving one's worth. Moreover, with low self-esteem at heart, it's possible for avoidants to actually attach more to those who neglect them - we should only to reunite with people who deserve it and will treat us well, and whom we are committed to treating well in return. So it's important to be cognisant of you motivation (though if healthy, generally the sooner repaired the better. This can be very scary for avoidants but: tell them how you feel! And how you have grown). Sometimes it's something we only find out by trying. But partners should always enter carefully, with a mature approach of mindfulness and open discussion around why they broke up and what in their dynamic has been or has the potential to be fixed. Are you both on the same page about what the difficulties were, whether they are resolvable and how to resolve them? Many strong lifelong partnerships have come out of a period of being apart and developing new awareness of how to work well together. However, many other relationships end for good reasons. Cycling relationships (those that experience breakups and get back together) tend to have a higher rate of dissatisfaction, lack of trust, and eventual failure, so avoid rekindling without both having had the space to reflect and change, and if you want to reunite be prepared to put work into establishing a whole new relationship and rebuilding trust. Remember that your first relationship together was not a successful one: it ended in heartbreak. Accept the fact that you are saying goodbye to the old relationship. It's gone, and that's a good thing! That relationship ended for a reason, so look forward and focus on having a new and healthier connection in the future. Treat the second time like a new relationship, building new rules of engagement.

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“The real reason the couple broke up in the first place needs to be worked out in order for the relationship to flourish the second time around. If that doesn’t happen, the relationship will inevitably fail. The key to success in a rekindled relationship is growth for one or both partners. And the more hard work you put into something, the greater likelihood it will improve. Like all relationships, there’s typically a honeymoon period when you get back with an ex. But once this wears off, communication without defensiveness is super-important during the next phase. If an old problem resurfaces, then rather than flipping out and immediately calling it quits, take it as an opportunity for growth. Figure out what went wrong and reset. You'll wind up with a healthier relationship than before—with great new communication skills to boot."

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Attachment Theory may not solve your issues

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"I tend towards anxious attachment, but I made progress towards secure attachment during my most recent relationship of four years with an avoidant partner. Learning about my partner's needs for distance and solitude actually helped me with my anxious tendencies in some really healthy ways. He did not, however, evolve in a similar way, and I'm now left completely baffled by how things went so wrong....

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During our first two years together, he suppressed his desire for distance and tried to "play the part" he thought he was supposed to– texting and calling daily, setting aside weekends for me, etc. My anxious personality ate this up. I loved the closeness and thought he did too. I had no idea that the established dynamic pained him so terribly until he began lashing out: I was "high maintenance, inconsiderate, overbearing, dependent," etc. Everything I did was wrong and grounds for critique. We lacked the emotional intelligence to calmly talk about our differing needs, and so we fell into a rut of feeling put-upon (him) and unduly criticized (me). After two years together, he broke up with me suddenly, without a conversation. I was blindsided. He "couldn't envision a future in which we were both happy."

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For two no-contact weeks, I did some intense introspection and decided to take 100% responsibility for my anxious attachment and the toll it took on our relationship. I proposed a few more months of no contact during which I would continue to examine my tendencies and aim to evolve– I gently suggested that he do the same, but tried to keep the focus on myself and what I could change. He agreed, we spent a few months apart, I reached out eventually, and we got back together. He told me at that point that he had actually wanted to get back together immediately during that conversation two weeks post-breakup because he was so encouraged by my willingness to better understand him. We were both so happy.

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When we first reunited he was, in his words, "all in," but it quickly became clear that the success of our relationship was predicated on my ability to respond to his needs. Everything came to feel like a test of my flexibility. I tried to make sure he felt comfortable articulating his boundaries and taking his space which led to weekdays and nights spent separately, infrequent texting, few (if any) phone calls, etc. Like I said earlier, this actually helped me relinquish some of my anxious tendencies and become more secure (I came to really appreciate having time for my own interests, activities, and friendships) but I felt as though if I did want or need to call him or spend time with him during the week, I was a burden and he felt like I ought to know better than to intrude. Whenever he would call me during the week, come over on a weeknight, watch a movie or do an activity that was more so "my thing" than his, or basically cede any of his time to me, we'd jokingly make a fuss like it was the absolute most thoughtful thing in the entire world– these were gestures I wouldn't think twice about and would genuinely enjoy doing for him but were truly sacrificial for him.

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Even the weekends– our only time together– came to be too much. When I was at his place, he'd constantly ask me "What do you have planned for the day?" which he later told me was a distancing strategy to make sure I wasn't planning to interfere with what he wanted to do with his time. He told me once he'd purposely withhold physical affection to ensure that I wouldn't feel invited to get close to him and take him away from whatever he was doing (writing, reading, working out, etc.). But I listened to him and adjusted accordingly.

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The most routine disagreements or miscommunications became catastrophes that would lead to deadly serious conversations about compatibility– the subtle messaging in each of these conversations was that the fault lay with me and my shortcomings, and even if my partner could acknowledge that he played any sort of part in the issue he would float a breakup before ever suggesting that he had work to do on his end as well. One time, after reading a book called Conscious Loving, I suggested that we resolve a disagreement by talking through the role we'd both played in the issue. I was totally willing to take responsibility for my part, but until that point, my faults had been the only topic. He told me through gritted teeth that he would do it, but that my "manipulation" of the moment made him feel "physically sick."

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The day before he broke up with me, we were getting ready to go to a BBQ at his friend's house. I could tell he wasn't really up to going so I suggested we stay back– he said, "I definitely don't want to go, but we need to because I feel like I don't know what to do when it's just the two of us here. I feel like I need to fill the time or we'll just be here together and I'll feel smothered. I just don't get the same thing that you get from our time together." This despite my conscientious, consistent, and honestly pretty successful efforts to make sure he feels totally free to do his thing and not worry about me. He said, "Just knowing you're here, even if you're occupied, puts pressure on me to be attentive." I told him that I genuinely felt that if we spent any less time together, we wouldn't be together– it simply wouldn't be a partnership. He had nothing to say to this. The morning of our breakup, we were planning a big trip and reflecting on how much we appreciate our love. Hours later, his heart "isn't in it," we "lack spark," and we'll "never be happy together."

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Post-breakup there were some insane moments (him begging/crying and what not) where I realised someone could be intensely attached to me yet not want any physical or emotional intimacy with me whatsoever. My ex wanted a committed, permanent relationship, except he wanted me to be a "stranger" in the house. No affection, no sex, no dates, no quality time, I'm just there so he doesn't feel alone and he can reach out on his terms. So avoidants attach strongly but distantly.

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It shouldn't be on the non-avoidant's shoulders to maintain the relationship. This behaviour wasn't conducive to a sustainable long-term relationship. There wasn't anything I could have really done to accommodate my ex's needs because I don't think anyone could - his feeling of being smothered would eventually win out. He has some deep-rooted issues around closeness and self-shame, and my mere presence in his life was irritating him, which was not right or fair to me. We talked through a lot of his needs but now when I reflect back, there were little times that we discussed MY needs, with him trying to understand me more. It was always about the space/independence/privacy that he needed. The mistake we make is wanting to change ourselves so that our ex would be happy, but, while doing that, we are neglecting our own needs. IMO he's looking for someone to coexist with him and to have a quiet assurance that this person is around but not have too much constant connection because that could lead to problems, and that's the last thing an avoidant wants - is to have to deal with their emotions. We turn our lives upside down to make them comfortable and hope for reciprocity, and we never get it. And we won't ever get it as long as they stay this way. I am still recovering from the lack of feeling desirable, wanted, or even appreciated for years. He's going to need to get help or he'll keep repeating this cycle. In retrospect, I see that I should have made sure he would be just as committed as I was to changing ourselves and communicating more. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and my ex wasn't willing to do this.

For me, the whole situation saddened me, but, a few months post-breakup, I have come to realize that I don’t miss our relationship anymore. I want someone who wants to hang out with me more than once per week, and I want someone who puts in as much effort as I do. I want someone I don’t have to spend hours analyzing each day; I want someone who thinks like me and acts like me when it comes to a relationship."

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• Stay single if you're not ready, and be up-front

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Finally, staying single may offer valid benefits that protect us against potential hurt and rejection in relationships. While humans are hard-wired for connection and people in relationships are more likely to be happier overall, avoidants register more happiness than most outside of them. If we regularly find ourselves feeling very stressed and unhappy in relationships, then staying out of a long-term monogamous relationship, at least in the short-term, is worth considering, and focusing on personal development so we could do well within one. Monogamous relationships also don't have to be for everyone, and provided we are not hurting anyone there is no shame in arranging something alternative to the standard accepted Western model (if easier said than done!). If a monogamous long-term interdependent relationship is we truly want then there are ways to change things, and it's good to take time to work on ourselves. There is lots of great work we can focus on to make sure that when we next enter a relationship its success is less likely to be scuppered by our negative beliefs and relating actions. But if we'd like to carry on dating and haven't put in the internal work yet, we need to consider that we may be using people as distractions and enjoying the benefits of the early stages while disregarding attachments they might develop, when as things become closer we are not prepared to put in the work. Ultimately this can be exploiting the feelings of others - even if done very unawares. Avoid dating if you are not genuinely prepared to give back to others the good things they give to you.

However, in many ways you can't practise these skills until you are in a relationship! So don't demand of yourself to be transformed - just started on the journey. The most important thing is to go in self-aware and prepared to put in the work in the long-haul, particularly when things get tough. 

The most important thing is to first know ourselves and be truly up-front about our intentions, wants and relationship capabilities from the outset. For example, if you feel space is so important you would prefer a relationship where you, for example, don't cohabit and only see each other once a week, then being confident enough to be clear about these boundaries up-front could help manage your partner's expectations, help you meet a person accepting of or with similar needs, spare others from hurt, and could be relaxing (it's possible the lack of pressure there might even help you both eventually move towards a secure pattern, if you're not able to do it in other ways). The most dangerous people to date are those who don't understand themselves.

The dual fears of losing the other and losing ourselves are the underlying causes of our unloving, reactive behaviour. These fears are deeply rooted. They cannot be healed or overcome only by getting someone else’s love if we aren't ready to do the work. On the contrary, we must heal these fears to be able to share love with each other. Until we heal what hurt us, we may bleed on people who didn't cut us. 

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Ouch!

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